I envy that you can write love songs and breakup songs because you have the privilege to experience such things. I envy how you own a house with your spouse. I envy that you can date other queers and don’t have to resort to sleazy cishet dudes who have no background in anti-oppression. If you choose to, you could enter a relationship or multiple relationships with amazing, talented, wonderful people.
I envy that so many in the queer community can be into you. I envy how you’re poly and date a bunch of people. I envy how people fawn over you and want to date you. I envy how you are the researchers, organizers, social workers, leaders, and artists and younger than me. I envy how you’re often younger than me and moving up in life astronomically fast. I want to be a star in my own right.īut life hasn’t turned out that way. I want to shine so bright that I rival the sun. I want be flirted with by humans who are queer and genuinely interested in who I am. I want to have people lining up to talk to me after I speak engaging with my thoughts in interesting ways.
I’m tired of tasting grit and soot in my mouth. I’m tired of playing second to your first.
Why does it feel like my hope is sputtering where your star shines all the brighter? Why does it feel like the circle is closing with me left outside of it? Why is it that when I see that you’re in a long term relationship with a cis woman that I see red and want to incinerate the world and cry and scream heart broken and so green with envy that it matches my wardrobe? Why is it that I am 28 and feel old and obsolete?
Why is it that our experiences must be so different? Our experiences so radically the different, yet so similar. You are the yin to my yang and the yang to my yin. But my relationship with you is one of ambivalence. And sometimes, you are the humans I develop crushes on. You are part of my inner circle that I let see my weaknesses and guard my secrets. You appear in a lot of the community activities I’m a part of.
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